Smile!

I've decided. Decided to put everything behind me! I'm going to be happy and stay happy. I'm going to be the happiest person in the world, even if I don't have a life long partner.

Willing to face the truth now and face it like a true man.

You.

I said I won't find for any other else other than you, I'm sticking with my words. So.. goodluck my dear. Maybe in another life, we'll have a happy ending :) ..

Realization

And then it hit me. It hit me so hard and bad. If I really love you, I should stop talking to you. Start helping you to let go of what's holding you back, start helping you to let go to what really would make you happy. I've to be harsh. I have to. I have to be firm..

My all.

I always give my all and what do I get back in return? Shattered pieces of glass that hurts me and remnant of a relationship that haunts me forever. I'm losing trust in all these kind of sillylationship that people always get hurt over. What for? All I wanted was that I wasn't taken for granted, having a companion that understand what I feel. She doesn't have to perfect, just an average looking girl, financially whatever nonsense. I don't need a girl that must doll up to go out with me. I just want a simple and carefree relationship. Is it so difficult?  Yes it is, if not I wouldn't be blogging here about all these, haha.

Positive attitude.

I don't have bunch of things about this topic I'm going to say it in here today, I don't have anything prepared like the definition of "ATTITUDE", or a really long grandmother story to express what attitude is about.

2 weeks back, my sir handed us a big piece of paper, & a board about Attitude. He asked us to express what attitude to us is about, turn by turn whenever we went for law lessons.

"ATTITUDE."
To me, attitude is one important aspect of life. It's a powerful thinking that could led people to success! Having a positive attitude is something that is REALLY difficult to maintain, especially in this fucked up world when everything tends to flip your world whenever it's turning to be great. That's when your own thinking comes in. Either you let this fucked up world consume you, or you overcome it with your attitude.
Positive attitude is really influential, it's a powerful tool that drives people's motivation, & those around you, everyday without you even realizing it.
This "Positive Attitude" is something I've yet to keep it stable, but I'm trying hard to maintain it, especially someone like me. I'm like a natural downer, I always, always always ALWAYS think negatively about everything, it's really a turn off lol. Even I admitted it's a bloody turn off. I'm always paranoid about lots of stuff that I'm really sick & tired of it. Having this paranoid-ness & negativity is probably one of the major reason that drove my Ex-girlfriend away, I mean honestly, if my own girlfriend that is like that, I know I can't stand it either.
This negativity is powerful as well. It could make something that's really simple turn into something that could lead to a fight in a relationship.

What makes me want to change then?
I don't want to be SO pathetic in life anymore. Besides, having a positive attitude really makes my world a LOT better. It opened up SO many things to me. Somehow, I really felt happier without having negativity surrounding all around me. The feeling is magical.

"This is a story about a man."
Once, there's this guy on the verge of bankruptcy due to some business failure. He was really depress & the world was turned against him. He was out, walking alone on the streets, thinking of taking a loan from the bank for his business but he's not confident about making his business back to glory & it could lead him to total bankruptcy. He was walking around the streets without shoes. Then, he walked past this man without legs. The man without legs, looked at him, smiled & said, "Have a good day." Afterwards, the guy thought. "This man, even though he lives on the streets without a pair of leg, still could be so positive in life. I'm just a guy, without his shoes. Why am I so depress for?" Immediately, he made his way to the bank & made a loan. Today, he's one of the top richest man in the world.

There are LOTS of people having a much more worse life than you, & yet they could still think positively in life. What do you have to complain?
Now, let me ask you. Would you like rather bask yourself in your own demise, or would you rather think positively in life? 

Fuck this. I'm just going to MIA. I LIVE IN SOLITARY BYE.

I feel so pathetic.

Deep down, I hope you'll actually not wanting to end.

Comparison , Moving on & the date, 4th.

I'm not looking down on myself, but I think I'm a really bad boyfriend that doesn't know how to do sweet stuffs, surprises & so on. It may seemed like I'm not putting in any effort, but I'm tried. I'm really a novice when it comes to making stuffs like this, but really, I tried. Compared to blue, I'm a million ways off. I still have a long way to go to becoming an ideal boyfriend.

You said you'll never find another player 1? Haha, we both know it's not going to happen. You're having your O's right now, then soon, Poly life is going to kick in. You're going to find sooooo much more guys in poly, & one of them is definitely going to make you smile. Definitely. It's like how you're moved on from blue, & till then we found each other.

Things changed, but I want you to keep that smile up. Keep smiling on. Someone else will find your smile as lovely as how I find it. Damn, I really miss seeing your smiles. That smile that lit my world instantaneously, that smile that made me fall in love just by looking at it.

&&& Today's the 4th! So.. "No longer" 9th monthsary?! Hehe!

I guess the only way I could help you to move on is to really stop contacting you, stop being a bitch on twitter about how sad I am, & stop doing anything that relates to you. 

Lastly, I wish you'll be genuine happy. May you never have a difficult/unhappy/broken relationship again. Please hold on hard, love the guy deep enough to back him up, and to hold him back. I'll always keep a look out to you even though I couldn't talk to you at all. Hehe!

I love you, my silly pink. you will always be on my mind. :)

*edit: Oh! & I hope you'll find a taller guy! hehe. <3
** You said you wouldn't go back to the same person when you walk out, well I hope it changes, because for me, I changed. I used to be like that too.

Single sided love aren't the best kind,

but probably this is how I show love best.

She said.

Maybe I should really let go. I can't always be foolishly waiting alone when you didn't care at all. If you really love and care about me, this wouldn't happen at all. Our love is just not strong enough. 

You wouldn't let me go no matter how down I was feeling. Things wouldn't come to what it is today. These kind of things are just selfish, NO one would be selfless in love. Why do I cling on to that little hope in my heart waiting for you to come back when you clearly explained to me when we first started out that once you broke with someone, you wouldn't go back to him?

 What disappointed me most is that you don't want to face anything, no matter how tough the road is.. I'll just never give up. Guess your pause was just a prelude to all this.

I think we jumped the gun too fast. At your age, I wouldn't want to think so much too. I felt that I deserved so much better from you. 

If you're there, you're there. I wouldn't have to think about everything so much..

Anyway, tomorrow's fourth, but haha! ..

You'll live better hating me.

somewhere

I crashed today. Just by listening to our song, i broke down. Snot out blood out of my nose... what happened to me?

I'm extremely jealous of those people that can see you everyday.

Anonymous

If I can't talk to you as a lover, can't talk to you as a good friend, can't talk to you as a friend, then I shall remain as an anonymous. :) As long as you're happy.

Hurts

Envy

Fake

Painful

Why is it everything have to been so painful & difficult? Things is definitely not running smoothly for me as I know right now. Everything's pissing me off, I get frustrated easily, mistakes occuring on everything I did, & I get so tired easily nowadays. I can't even sleep well..

This pain is like a snake's venom, it's silent, it's agonizing, & it's slowly reaching out for the heart.

I hope things went well for you every single day without having anything to worry about.

This entry is actually rewritten ,the original one was corrupted, how worst my day could get? Suck right from the morning till midnight.

Titleless

Please just be straight forward to me, don't beat around the bush, don't keep anything from me. Even if it kills me, please just tell me. You know I hate it when I'm being kept from something.

Worth it.

I know you're worth it, that's why I held on to you. I know it's not your fault to feel lost & confused about everything, but what about me? I felt the same way, the same way you did, but yet I refused to let things settle like this. That sun that once shone, turn into blue. A blue dark feeling that will eat me away.

I was hoping, always hoping that things would change, that you would try to take matters in hand once in a while. But once again...

Held my head high, & what for? For that one day, you'll give me a chance to speak with your heart.
Wanted to find you after your tuition, but I know you won't want to see me anyway. I'm confused and lost, shrouded by loneliness, & I'm desperate to change what we're going through now. After all this, what heals me is that knowing you love me, deeply, but I just hope you'll express it out.

Believe me, I know you're worth it.
I love you my girl, my lil' girl pinkie..

Why does we have to be like this?

Decided to make another blog for rant, the previous blog had far too many entries it was beginning to annoy me.

Things started to get weird between me & you, everything feels like it's starting to fall apart. It's like I feel dis-interest. I know it's a weird word but that's how I feel. It's like we're forcing ourselves & it hurts me so bad. I wish I could put out everything in words.

Everything I do is just going to annoy you.. That bridge is starting to shake, & I got a feeling it'll turn into an epicenter. I wish we had a way to resolve this face to face instead of whatsapping, it'll be a easier way to talk about.
I just love you so much but it feels so empty, I don't want to give up on any of us. Maybe I'm just over thinking, just over paranoid, over anxious over nothing, or maybe I'm just too deep in love with you to be crazy over the slightest thing.